Viva la Vida - What does it all mean?

There has been much speculation recently on the "hidden" meaning in the lyrics of Coldplay's hit new song, Viva La Vida. Penned by Chris Martin, lead singer, pianist and husband to actress Gwyneth Paltrow, the song has become Coldplay's biggest hit.

Although some people listen to a song without actually thinking or caring about what the lyrics mean, others like myself, tend to appreciate good lyrics as one does good poetry, and we also wonder what the artist means by his words. I tend to believe that all songwriters write with great meaning, often hidden, which makes music all the more interesting. According to Wikipedia, the title Viva la Vida translates from Spanish into "long live life."

When asked by Q magazine about what he meant by the line "I know Saint Peter won't call my name" Chris Martin replied: "It's about… You're not on the list. I was a naughty boy. It's always fascinated me that idea of finishing your life and then being analyzed on it. And this idea runs throughout most religions. That's why people blow up buildings. Because they think they're going to get lots of virgins. I always feel like saying, just join a band. That is the most frightening thing you could possibly say to somebody. Eternal damnation. I know about this stuff because I studied it. I was into it all. I know it. It's still mildly terrifying to me. And this is serious."

At some point Chris has stated that he is not sure about the existence of God and has also been quoted as saying "I'm always trying to work out what 'He' or 'She' is," also saying "I don't know if it's Allah or Jesus or Mohammed or Zeus. But I'd go for Zeus." In effect Chris has been cagey about his religious affiliation, or lack thereof. However, with this album, I think he has finally revealed his lack of belief n God, or at the very least, strong reservations about God's existence. Arguably, the lyrics on other songs in the album such as Cemeteries of London and 42, hint at his religious doubts. So, with this I come to the crux of my essay: I think I may have cracked the real meaning behind the lyrics of Viva la Vida.

Let's take the first verse:

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sweep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of sand, pillars of sand

With this first verse (and subsequent verses), Chris assumes the position of the (imaginary, non-existent) God and laments the loss of power he once had (only in the minds of believers). "Now in the morning I sweep alone, Sweep the streets I used to own" is a reference to rational people abandoning religion in droves and realizing that religious claims (scripture etc.) are not real, hence the line "And I discovered that my castles stand, Upon pillars of sand."

The second verse:

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can not explain
Once you know there was never, never an honest word
That was when I ruled the world
(Ohhh)

These lines refer to the evangelists who spread fear and used religious rhetoric in order to convert and keep ordinary people in subservience, and enforce a blind faith in a God. The lines "Be my mirror my sword and shield, My missionaries in a foreign field" speaks of how these evangelists are no longer revered, or trusted. The lines "Once you know there was never, never an honest word, That was when I ruled the world" just confirms how lies were told to con the people, and how it kept (the idea of) God in power.

The third verse:

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in.
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People could not believe what I'd become
Revolutionaries Wait For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

The first three lines of this verse is a confession of the "wicked and wild" manner in which the idea of God (and religion) was spread. It goes on to acknowledge that people had started to realize how God was just a power mad, megalomaniac (in reality just a manifestation of ordinary people's own lust for power). "Revolutionaries Wait For my head on a silver plate" is a reference to non-believers (anti-theists and Atheists) who are waiting for the downfall of religion. "Just a puppet on a lonely string" is clear acknowledgement that ordinary men used religion (and the idea of God) to stake their claims for power, and that they were really pulling the strings all along (and still are). "Oh who would ever want to be king?" is off course the lament of an imaginary God who has been placed in an imaginary, untenable position.

The fourth verse:

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can not explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world
(Ohhhhh Ohhh Ohhh)

The conviction evidenced by "I know Saint Peter won't call my name" is the final admission that that there is no Saint Peter, never was, and never will be.

The last verse:

Hear Jerusalem bells are ringings
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can not explain
I know Saint Peter will call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world
Oooooh Oooooh Oooooh"

"I know Saint Peter will call my name" appears to be a contradiction of the lines in the 4Th verse. However, since this is the closing verse of the song and, in the context of religion, it very cleverly pronounces the final death knell of (the idea of) God, as in being called to rest.

Now, I don't know about you, but I am of the opinion that this song is perhaps the most brilliant piece of anti-religion, without actually explicitly saying so.

Maybe Censorship Should be Banned

I recently came across a link to a site where Philip Pullman, author of Northern Lights, better known as The Golden Compass (adapted into a film of the same name starring Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig), discusses how his book was challenged by various, mainly religious bodies, who demanded it be banned from the public library. Apparently, this bunch of ignorant theists deemed the book to be anti-religious.

Phillip goes on to recount how a group called the Catholic League objected to the release of the film which did result in bad box office takings, but sales of his book went up quite significantly. Even a bishop from La Crosse County, Jerome Listecki, warned Catholics not to see the film, ludicrously claiming that the movie was just “the first part of a trilogy that expresses hatred of Christianity and that portrays God, the church and religion as evil and oppressive, and urges children to join fallen angels in a rebellion against God.”

The Golden Compass is not the first book to attract such a vicious and absurd backlash from the religious hate-mongers, nor will it be the last. The successful Harry Potter series of novels has attracted disdain from the lunatic religious fringe in recent times, and don't forget the fatwa issued by Ayatollah Khomeini calling for the killing of Salman Rushdie, author of Midnight's Children and the Satanic Verses. This kind of dark ages mentality is indicative of the lengths that the religious wing nuts are prepared to resort to, in defense of a severely discredited and hate-filled dogma known mundanely as religion.

Phillip Pullman quite correctly points out that the "inevitable result of trying to ban something – book, film, play, pop song, whatever – is that far more people want to get hold of it than would ever have done if it were left alone." This simple fact however will not stop the lunatics from trying. Although all progressive (mostly democratic) countries propagate free speech, religions in these countries, enjoys unwarranted protection from being criticised. And it gets worse. These same self-appointed "keepers of morality" demand the right to decide what should be published, what should be censored, even what is taught in schools. In reality, even statistics show that those who proclaim to be the most religious are invariably the most corrupt and immoral.

Phillip sums it up quite nicely as follows:

"In fact, when it comes to banning books, religion is the worst reason of the lot. Religion, uncontaminated by power, can be the source of a great deal of private solace, artistic inspiration, and moral wisdom. But when it gets its hands on the levers of political or social authority, it goes rotten very quickly indeed. The rank stench of oppression wafts from every authoritarian church, chapel, temple, mosque, or synagogue – from every place of worship where the priests have the power to meddle in the social and intellectual lives of their flocks, from every presidential palace or prime ministerial office where civil leaders have to pander to religious ones."

"My basic objection to religion is not that it isn't true; I like plenty of things that aren't true. It's that religion grants its adherents malign, intoxicating and morally corrosive sensations. Destroying intellectual freedom is always evil, but only religion makes doing evil feel quite so good."

The Funny Side of Religion

I received the following pictures by e-mail the other day, which claims to portray the funny side of religion.....as if there was actually any other side to religion.

A French car that's too fast for poor old Jesus!!!

But it sure beats listening to the preacher's sermon about sex!!!

Your brains need to be really frozen to fall for that one!!!

Finally, some truth from the church!!!

You guessed it, only in the bible belt!!!

That's right, the really dumb ones!!!

The Clasping and Laying On of Hands - A Scientific and Religious Experience

A scientist clasps his hands, awaiting the outcome of an experiment. A worshipper clasps his hands in prayer, awaiting a divine answer. Two scenarios, each one producing a very different mental image.

One produces an image of joy, excitement, eagerness, self-belief, wonderment, fulfillment, and expectations of a result that may prove a hypothesis. The other image is one of despair, fear, self-doubt, and expectations of a magical intervention that addresses the request.

A palaeontologist, sitting cross-legged, in an excavation site, lays her hands on an ancient fossil she's just unearthed. A preacher in a crowded church lays his hands on the head of a new member who has decided to join the congregation.

One produces an image of excitement, joy, wonderment, eagerness to learn more, passion, and expectations of further scientific results that the discovery may lead to. The other produces an image of superstitious fear, deception, irrational behaviour, and expectations of a magical intervention that improves your life.

It's not too hard to see which hand gesture fits which scenario. It's also not that hard to choose which hand gesture you want to be associated with; I won't offer you a hand, I trust your mind will show you the way.

When Science and Religion Collide

I live in a small community of a few thousand mostly deeply religious people; a small group of Hindus and Christians dominated by a majority of Muslims. It's not hard to notice that the single Church, two temples and three mosques are frequented daily, and that each religious grouping are devout followers of their respective religions. This community is a microcosm of the religious fervour endemic the world over.

In Europe, on the other hand are a few thousand scientists who after fourteen years of collaboration, this week witnessed the fruits of their labour when the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at CERN was switched on successfully. Amid threats to shut the project down over fears of safety by certain detractors, and doomsday predictions by the loony religious fringe, the first proton beams were injected into the LHC on the 10th September this week to complete a successful start up on the most expensive and probably most important scientific experiment in the history of mankind to date.

In stark contrast we have two groups of people; one looking for meaning and purpose in archaic religious texts and ultimately for salvation through blind faith, and the other nobly trying to unravel meaning and purpose and indeed, the secrets of the universe through scientific experiment. While scientists will be asking how the universe came to be the way it is, the religious faithful believe they already know and see no reason to question further. In life there can be no two endeavours that are more diametrically opposed to each other than science and religion; indeed religion is the antithesis of science. And while religionists vehemently oppose science, some have no qualms about engaging the detestable field of pseudo-science to prop up their dying religions as in the laughable hypothesis about Intelligent Design.

In the modern era, religion still dominates the lives of ordinary people in spite of the great advances in the science and the increasing evidence against religious dogma and superstitious practices. As scientific scrutiny closes in on irrational religious thinking, I'm constantly amazed at the mental gymnastics employed by the religious institutions, the evangelists, clerics, clergy, priests and common shysters, to find new ways to "keep the faith alive." Religion is big business, and I guess there is a vested interest to ensure its survival.

The future benefits of the LHC and the experiments to be conducted at CERN are obvious to all but the firmly religious. The one benefit not listed, and the one that amuses me no end, is how this scientific event has sparked some fear and loathing into the religious establishment. Take Ray Comfort for example, an evangelist whose recent blog "Its a Sick World" questions the spending of 10 billion dollars over 14 years on the LHC project when the money could be used for feeding starving children in Africa. It is typical of the dishonesty and bigotry of the religious movement who have squandered many more billions in furthering the aims of useless religions. One could also ask why he has never questioned the US Government's expenditure in an untenable war in Iraq, which makes the LHC budget look like small change. No, Ray like the rest of the religious rabble don't concern themselves too much with starving children; right now he is more concerned about how the scientific experiments at CERN is going to affect his business of selling salvation.

While I know it's irrational to suggest that we use the LHC to accelerate different religions at nearly the speed of light from opposite directions so that they collide and smash each other into oblivion, I wish we could. Is it too much to ask?

Slipknot Honoured at Kerrang! Awards

Only days after being vilified by religious wackos in the small town of Mogale City, for allegedly inspiring a juvenile delinquent to commit murder at a high school, heavy metal band Slipknot were honoured at the 2008 Kerrang! Awards held in London, with the Icon award.

I wonder what the Theist loony brigade think about this development? I'll bet they are all confidently affirming that the devil rewarded Slipknot for a job well done in leading a young kid astray. Trust these "death worshipping" wing nuts to turn an innocent event into a vision of the imaginary "end-times."

Big up to Slipknot for winning the award which is well deserved. You guys are an icon. To all the religionists is Mogale City and elsewhere; eat your silly little hearts out.

South African Religionists Allege That Slipknot Are Competing Unfairly, Using Poetry to Brainwash Youth

This is a follow up to my recent blog about the religious twit who (still) insists that heavy metal band, Slipknot and Satan are responsible for leading a kid into killing a fellow pupil at a Krugersdorp school earlier this week. The title for my follow-up blog is an indication of how I would report the incident, if I was a newspaper editor.

Almost a week has passed, and the consensus of opinion, both written and verbal (broadcast and socialized) is that Slipknot and Satan cannot be held responsible for the behaviour of the kid who committed the atrocity. However, there are many commentators, with a religious leaning who still hold on to the preposterous notion that the kid was influenced by Satanic lyrics from Slipknot's recordings. To my utter disgust, it has also been revealed that Pierre Eksteen (my twit of the week), originally reported as a community leader, is in fact a member of the local clergy (Pastor).

In further developments, it seems that the Ninja kid has "given his heart to God" and "accepted Jesus" after appearing in Court yesterday. I viewed an online video of him leaving the court buildings and he looked particularly happy. Maybe he had already found Jesus by then, or maybe he was just basking in all the media attention; one can never tell. Let me just comment that I'm not the only person asking why he did not "find Jesus" last week, which would have resulted in the victim still being alive today. As one blogger commented "I just have to shake my head in amazement. Turn to the devil when you want power, turn to God when you are in 'shit'? Religion of convenience."

I've been following the online commentary during the week as the story unfolded, and they range from extremely intelligent and insightful from the non-religious or moderate segment of the community, to utter banality and outright rubbish from religious dimwits. One guy from the religious loony brigade went so far as to suggest that non-religious persons are "too thick" to understand how Satan works. Therefore Satan infects only the minds of intelligent (and presumably religious) people. According to him Satan plies his trade by "dividing and conquering" the intelligent, and so he does not bother with "thick" (non-religious) people. I'll leave you to ponder how intelligent this guy (and the thinking) is.

I cannot understand how the band members from Slipknot can be regarded as evil (Satanists) by merely expressing themselves through poetry. Would you automatically consider an artist who paints a nude study, a pervert or rapist? If, as these religious delinquents believe, people are inspired by mere words (Slipknot's lyrics) to perpetrate horrendous acts of violence and even murder, then you have to question the Bible (and other religious texts, most notably those from the Abrahamic religions) to do the same. In fact you don't have to go further than the Old Testament to be inspired to commit all sorts of atrocities. Richard Dawkins wrote in his book The God Delusion, "The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully." And yet, these writings are considered as the basis for morality.

So, what's that about Slipknot's lyrics again?

Twit of the Week - 05

My weekly rendition of the "twit of the week" is a little late this time around, but that's not because there is suddenly a dearth of twits. On the contrary, there are any number of twits each week, banging on the doors of the halls of twit-dome.

Take for example, Zwelinzima Vavi, Secretary General of trade union, Cosatu whose recent comments about "killing for Zuma" went unpunished by the South African Human Rights Commission. To top that, during a strike-march last week, the twit called on the government to zero-rate (from VAT) the five basic commodities. Four of the basic five commodities are already zero-rated. Seems like mouthing off with little thought, is second nature to this clown. But, he actually does not make it into the halls of twit-dome (not this time anyway). You see, last week, a trio of murderous delinquents "high on religion" managed to earn entry instead.

26-year-old Nicolette and 20-year-old Hardus Lotter murdered their parents, Gerhardus and Magdelena in an affluent suburb of Durban, South Africa. And the dirty deed was apparently done under the influence of 21-year-old Matthew Naidoo, a religious nutcase who claimed to be the "third son of God." Matthew told the siblings that God wanted their parents. You have to be pretty far gone to believe that you are a son of a non-existent God, and even more loony to actually allow yourself to be convinced to kill by such a cretin. As Voltaire observed "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

Now, will the "second-son-of-God" please identify yourself so that we can incarcerate you in a padded room, before you also entice someone to kill for your non-existent God.

Another Religious Lie That Came Through My e-Mail

Secularism is on the rise and so is Atheism. The signs are everywhere. More and more people across the planet are realizing that religion is a fraud. More Atheists are revealing themselves openly, especially in America, once thought of as becoming increasingly fundamentalist.

And the religious movements, proponents and apologists are all too aware of this shift away from their organizational clutches. Initially it was the cults and new-age existentialist movements that attracted both the weak-minded and disillusioned away from mainstream religions, but in the age of the World Wide Web, information is the new "God." Information has exposed the irrational and illogical, and has replaced the imaginary power of God with a tangible alternative. Not that this alternative needs to be worshipped; it only needs to be acknowledged as a real power.

It is thus not surprising that religious organizations and self-serving individuals have resorted to using this information medium for spreading lies, half-truths, mis-quotes and disingenuous statistics, in a ludicrous attempt to confuse, mis-inform and keep the religiously inclined within their control. I recently posted an essay on a hoax mail about people who apparently mocked God, and I received another one recently. However, if you go to this page on the Snopes.com site, there are quite a few listed there.

Entitled, The Hands of God, the mail contained the following photograph and claim:

This is awesome! This certainly should make believers out of non-believers. Praise the Lord! Would you look at this picture? It reminds me of that song "He's got the whole word in his hands." He is definitely in control. I needed this today more than ever. Enjoy and pass it along. Photo taken in Kentucky .

Cara Winship sent this out it is called: God's hands. I took this picture on Hwy 30, traveling to London , KY. It has given me strength in the times of trouble. I feel I should share it with the rest of the world. I hope it is an inspiration to you. It just goes to show what we already know.... We have a God and he's watching over us. I e-mailed this picture to News Chanel 36. I was contacted by Meteorologist John James. He said that this picture of the sky is showing up, in all states, around the world. He wanted to know where I was from and where I took it. He saw a similar picture taken in Texas . He said this is amazing to him!

And my response:

This is not awesome. It’s just pathetic lies from religious cretins.
It certainly does not make me a believer. Actually, I’m even more of a non-believer now that I’ve seen this lame attempt to spread religious lies.
It reminds me of the song “liar, liar your pants are on fire…”
Er, no “He’s” definitely not in control if “He” is allowing such rubbish to be passed on as the truth.
John James?, Chanel 36 News, Cara Winship are all morons and liars.

Now here is what the real picture looked like before it was digitally defaced with a Photoshop clone tool. Wasn't it a better picture before the religionists got their "grubby hands" on it?

Twit of the Week - 04

This week lucky motorist, Absolom Morifi joins a rag-tag pack of politicians and rabid religionists in the halls of twitdome. Absolom may have been lucky in escaping on Tuesday with his life, from a massive pile-up on the N1 in Johannesburg, near the Buccleugh Interchange, which resulted in excess of 20 cars being totalled, but is a twit nonetheless. Here's why.

Absolom cancelled his insurance policy on the morning of the very day that his car was flattened, together with several others by a runaway truck, and he had to be cut out of the wreckage with barely a scratch. But that's not the reason why he is a twit, as many people cancel insurance policies when times are tough, to channel money to areas where it is desperately needed. Absolom however cancelled his insurance policy of R1, 400 a month so that he could pay this amount over to the Rhema Church instead as a monthly tithe. Apparently Absolom felt guilty (or more likely was made to feel guilty) about not paying his tithes, when he visited the church that previous Sunday.

You have to be a real twit when you feel your church needs your money more than you do, and you go to the extent of cancelling your insurance policy. I can't really heap all the blame on Rhema Church here since their business empire is based on raking in the cash by dispensing guilt, and Absolom bought into that willingly. I dread to think how many others are in this same position?

Creating a Quote

Recently I came across a book by Acharya S, "The Christ Conspiracy: The Greatest Story Ever Sold" on her website Truth Be Known. Acharya S, real name D.M. Murdock, is credited for researching and supplying the Christ-myth material used in the Internet film Zeitgeist (please be patient and listen to the introduction before the film starts, about 4 minutes).

The book title reminded me of a line from one of George Carlin's shows "Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told." This gave me an idea; why don't I create a quote using Acharya's book title with a George Carlinesque twist. And presto:

Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever sold

How about that?

Twit of the Week - 01

This week there is a real toss-up between Robert Mugabe, demented incumbent dictator, and Angus Buchan self-appointed prophet and erstwhile potato farmer from Greytown, Kwa-Zulu Natal. Seeing as Mugabe qualifies for twit-of-the-decade, and I have already berated him in a previous post this week, Angus Buchan is the winner this time.

Why Angus you may ask? Well, an interview with Angus was broadcast on Carte Blanche last Sunday, probably after his "successful" Mighty Men Conference (MMC) held on his farm, one weekend in April this year. The good evangelist boasted how 60 000 men turned up; he claims they were not invited ("And you're going to ask me - the next question is - who invited them? I don't know - they just came. I mean, there were no big speakers here... it was just us."). Turns out that 80 percent of those who attended were farmers, mostly Afrikaners, presumably looking for a quick-fix to all their problems. The fact that mostly Afrikaners attended is telling in itself; this group are becoming increasingly marginalized in the new Apartheid-free democratic South Africa. It's easy to see that they were looking for some sort of miracle; maybe Angus could help them pray for a return perhaps, to the days when their bibles vindicated their abuse of black farm workers, and their hegemony on ruling the country.

But Angus, from a misguided sense of morality gleaned from his precious bible, decided to preach about the "erosion of masculinity" and how wives should "submit to their husbands". Yes, this twit was preaching, in the modern era, the paternalistic doctrine so prevalent in the bible of Abraham's days. This "men wear the pants around here" practise does not belong in the era of equality. Surely there ought to be laws against people who advocate sexism. Not to mention laws against evangelists misleading pitifully desperate people who have no self-respect or self-confidence. There should be free psychiatric help for all people in need of "saving", to ensure that they don't waste their money on enriching evangelists.

Those who visited this years MMC, coughed up R100 per person for the "privilege". Considering that about 60 000 men attended, and most of Angus's costs (by his own admission) were covered by religious benefactors, that's a good bit of dosh to be pocketing for a weekend's work. Religion is the world’s best business model. Imagine a business empire where you can sell shares in an imaginary product (salvation), use eternal damnation as your insurance policy/scare tactic/selling point, and make your customers believe that they can expect their dividends to be payed in the afterlife. Ask Angus Buchan; he’s also discovered that religion sells better than potatoes…

Farewell George Carlin, 12 May 1937 - 23 June 2008

Sadly, George Carlin, arguably one of the greatest comedians of all time, has passed on. It was only recently that I called him a "God" and now I wonder if that was maybe an insult to a man who hated the concept. I certainly hope not.

George was regarded as the prototype for Richard Pryor, Cheech and Chong, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock and Bill Maher. Getting into trouble for pushing the envelope was all in a days work; squashing taboos was just plain enjoyable. Goodbye George, I will always remember you for the following take down of religion, certainly one of the funniest I've heard:

"When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit! But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up. Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Scapades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man. No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results. So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us. Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite. I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend. But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of
different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eye-patch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan? Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down schmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing. So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat. So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself. And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!"

Life of Brian

A few weeks ago, I purchased a DVD of Monty Python's Life of Brian, on sale at a local music shop. In between everything else I managed to squeeze in yesterday, I watched the movie on my home theatre system. I remember watching the film at one of the local cinemas in Durban, some time after it was released in 1979, and had forgotten all about it until I spotted the DVD on sale.

Now, I don't exactly remember any of the controversy surrounding the film when it was released in South Africa, but given the subject matter of the film and the conservative Apartheid society of the time, I would have been very surprised had there been none. The film which portrays religion as hypocritical and fanatical, certainly did cause a consternation among the religious community in Britain and the USA when first released. If there were any protests in South Africa, on a scale equivalent to that of Britain and the USA (apparently it was banned outright for 8 years in the Republic of Ireland), I must have missed it.

But, after watching the film yesterday, I was struck by how timid the perceived blasphemy and criticism of Christianity and religion in general, really was. Oh, to be sure the portrayals were quite funny and relatively current, but compared to the scathing criticism found widely today in mediums such as the blogosphere, I thought it was quite timid. I'll bet a film made today with the same subject matter, won't be as accommodating to the religions of the world.

Well, I'm not overly disappointed though, since the film is regarded as a classic Monty Python feature and makes a welcome addition to my DVD collection. Anyway, the song "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" by Eric Idle in the film's closing scene is one of my favourites.

Desperate Christians

Last night I received a hoax email from my first cousin who is obviously a newly-converted Christian. I regularly receive, or should I say, am bombarded with mails from him, selling Christianity. Up to this point I had politely ignored the mails, quietly deleting them without any complaint. He is a cousin after all, and I didn't have the heart to tell him to stop pestering me with religious pornography. Anyway, I did hint on a few occasions that I was an Atheist, but new-found believers are known to be relentless in trying to convert everyone to their one-tracked, twisted, illogical, and irrational ideology, and so he persisted.

However last night, I totally lost it, when I received the hoax mail about how NASA had proved the bible to be true. The hoax had been around in one guise or another for about 30 years, and had been refuted by several sources over the years. Recently it seems it had gotten a new lease of life and was doing the rounds again, and eventually found its way into my inbox courtesy of my cousin. What annoyed me so much was that anyone with a modicum of intelligence, reading the mail would suspect that it was less than plausible, and would bother to take the time to verify the material before forwarding it any further. It seems that my cousin, and indeed those before him were only too eager to believe (a characteristic of religious people) and passed it on in glee, relishing the thought of proving us heathens, non-believers and sceptics wrong. Indeed, the glowing introduction in the mail to the so-called proof, proclaimed that "Angus Buchan said on his Mighty Men Conference: Faith is believing in what you can not see, The reward is to see what you believe. This is the proof!!!!!"

Essentially the hoax insinuated that NASA, during its research had come across a "missing day" in its calculations which proved certain passages in the bible to be true. Several websites refuted this claim, including a Christian site called answersingeneses.org, yes, that selfsame organization behind the abominable Creation Museum. It is unthinkable that true scientists would be wasting their energies on trying to prove the bible to be true. Imagine NASA spacecraft being built on a wing and a prayer (the scenario is hilarious: NASA announces that their latest shuttle will be powered by a new fuel called faith and all scientists are now required to pray hard that it takes off). Now, after my initial suspicions about the claims in the mail had been confirmed, in a fit of rage, I rushed off a reply to my cousin and all his recipients as follows:

Hi good people,
I don’t know Deborah Elkington, but this hoax mail seems to have originated from her in this thread. I don’ know this Angus Buchan either but he is obviously a monumental idiot as well. I don’t normally respond to hoax mails, and I just delete mails promoting religious rubbish. However, this one needs to be stopped dead, because, not only is this story (urban myth) extremely old, it annoys me that people actually believe such crap. The so-called “proof” below that NASA proves the bible true, was refuted ages ago, and has been around in one form or the other for about 30 years. For those who are religiously inclined and don’t believe me, the story was refuted by a Christian Website called answersingeneses.org. Follow the web link if you have access to the Internet, but I have copied it below for you.
For those of you who would like further “proof” that this story about NASA is bollocks, please refer to the following websites:
http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/j/joshuaday.htm
http://www.snopes.com/religion/lostday.asp
http://patriot.net/~jlazio/essays/missing.html
http://www.new-life.net/myths.htm
http://www.about-him.com/guest16.html
There are doubtless more sites with similar refutations. As an atheist, I personally don’t mind other people deluding themselves about the existence of God, but I get really annoyed when un-verified information purporting to be the truth is passed on to me, especially religious dogma. I’ve said all this before, so you are welcome to debate with me on my blog-site: http://lenny-says.blogspot.com/
Thanks for your time
Lenny

This morning, I was a little peeved at myself for being so rash, and unkind to my cousin and was about to send him an apology this evening, when I read a reply to my mail from one of his (my cousin's) original recipients and changed my mind. The person who shall remain nameless was obviously very angry that I had blown their "proof" out of the water, wrote thus:

Thank You sir for your comments below..

I am a Christian , I don’t care about Nasa or anyone else. I am a blessed Christian. To me , Jesus is the way , the Truth and the Life... God Said it , I believe it and that settles it.

Have a good day.

Which, off course ticked me off again, as this is the sort of reply you would expect from a theist, whose faith is increasingly being crushed by damning scientific evidence. It is a cry of desperation, typical of a believer, as the last straws he is clutching onto are slowly but surely snatched way from him. Anyway, I could not resist replying thus:

Hey bro’, believe what you want, it’s no skin of my teeth. I’m not surprised you don’t care about anyone else. All theists are the same – all they care about after millennia of religious brainwashing, is their own personal salvation. Give up your chase of imaginary Gods and concentrate your time and effort in helping your less-fortunate fellow man out of this mess we are in, in the world today, which I may add is largely due to the excesses of religion and the purveyors of religious dogma. You’ll find as I have, that you will much more “blessed” and you soon wont have this irrational fear of non-existent Gods.

Verily I saith unto thee, brother, join me in clear and rational thinking. Blessed is he who forsakes all Gods to help his fellow man. Heaven is here on Earth, look no further, stop destroying her. Now please go forth, and stop with that religious mumbo-jumbo; you’re preaching to he whose mind is free of religious pollution.

I am truly sorry if I have offended thee; I am a real bastard when it comes to
religion, and could not resist.

Regards

Lenny

Now I am feeling sheepish for being a wise-ass and having acted rashly yet again....